Lots Of Romances For The Price Of One!

Valentine's Day


For my review of director Garry Marshall's "Valentine's Day," I've decided to never refer to the actual characters' names in the movie, but rather, the celebrities who play them. I honestly think that this is the way the director would have wanted it. He wants you to remember the faces you saw, and, most notably, the number of faces you saw, not the characters they played.

Massive spoiler alert in this next paragraph. Although, isn't it all so predictable anyway?

Oh, remember when Patrick Dempsey, excuse me, McDreamy, was a sleazy two-timing slut? Oh, oh! And when the other one, what's his name? Oh yeah, McSteamy turned out to be gay?! Oh, and you'll never guess with whom: Bradley Cooper! And remember when Julia Roberts was in the army stuck on the airplane with Bradley Cooper? Oh, and Ashton Kutcher proposed to Jessica Alba, but she really wasn't having any of it because she was too work oriented. But then Ashton Kutcher got with his best friend, Jennifer Garner, after she got two-timed by McDreamy. Oh, and then remember George Lopez as Ashton Kutcher's Latino friend? Yeah, he represented that minority pretty well, didn't he? It was funny when Taylor Swift played a super annoying ditz, and then her boyfriend was also named Taylor because it was Taylor Lautner! That's clever. And then Jessica Biel threw that anti-Valentine's Day party, but then she just ended up falling in love with Jamie Foxx? Oh, and then Kathy Bates was Jamie Foxx's boss for no reason? Oh, and who could forget when Anne Hathaway was an adult phone entertainer and how, what's his name? Oh yeah, the guy from "That 70s Show" found out! Too cute. Oh, and then Anne Hathaway worked for a tough-talking Queen Latifah.

I'm pretty sure that's the only summary you'll get from anybody who goes to see this movie, but you know what? It's really all you need. Garry Marshall composed this fluffy piece of nothingness with a whole slew of A-list celebrities just for thrills. Who would want to watch non-famous, ugly people throughout the Los Angeles area fall in and out of love on the most romantic day of the year? Nobody! Exactly. So that's why we get to watch a whole bunch of attractive, famous people. It's more fun that way, and in that respect, Marshall knows exactly what he's doing. He's a veteran at this stuff.

And, believe it or not, it all comes off pretty inoffensive and digestible considering that it's so unashamed of the batch of endlessly sugary and vapid clichés its serving up to viewers. Except, the only true day people want to see this movie is on Valentine's Day, so what else would such a movie want to provide? It gives you what you want, puts you in a coma of feeling love or desiring love, and then lets you continue on with your life.

This certainly isn't the date movie from hell that some critics have been calling it because, really, it's just a ho-hum menagerie, a collage, a mash-up of every element from any romantic comedy we've ever seen before. Think of every romantic scenario you can, and you'll probably a find a version of it here in "Valentine's Day." And you know what else? The movie works well for those with a short attention span. Tired of hearing about that love story? Good, because we're about to head over here to learn more about this one instead. And then go over here. And then here. And then jump back. Forget how all these people are loosely connected? Who cares! Remember when Bradley Cooper and McSteamy were gay? All right then.